collide...

it's been over a year since i've really let anyone in... i've kept myself at a distance from people for fear that i will miserably fail again... and i sometimes wonder if maybe isolation is better... at least that way i know i won't cause anyone else pain... and at least in isolation i would never again have to experience the indescribably excruciating pain of knowing i caused someone, a very dear someone, deep wounds...

the universiteit van amsterdam rejected me... and though my heart is still very much longing to be in europe again... doors continue to shut... i don't want to accept the fact that God is maybe saying no... but maybe He is... maybe...

and now i find myself in the midst of being invited to be apart of a community house here in portland... but i don't trust myself... how can i expect them to trust me? i am far too relationally klutzy... i don't want to cause anyone any pain again... plus my job situation is seasonal...

how do i commit to something when i am financially unsound and mentally and emotionally messy? but no longer can i remain in this paralyzed state either that has grabbed ahold of me for far too long...

and the howie day song collide has been on repeat in my brain all day long...